Monday, October 4, 2010

Time to plan

It's official; I need to devise a plan. I seem to be aimlessly trying to lose weight each day and getting extremely frustrating because I have no direction with anything at the moment. Today was just not good enough.

What I ate:
- 1 diet yogurt with 8 blueberries (100 cal)
- 1 kiwi fruit (60 cal)
- 15 brown rice crackers with hommus (150 cal)
- 1 veggie pattie with sour cream (150 cal)
- 1 protein bar (140 cal)
- Salad with haloumi (150 cal)
- Spinach pie (200-300 cal??)
- 2 coffees with equal
- 1 tea
- 2 litres of water

Urgh it seems like so much when I write it all down. The only positive is that it was mainly healthy. I didn't get to do any exercise because I was busy writing my essay and then it was raining when I was planning to go running which is extra annoying. Now all I can think of is making a plan as to how I'm going to lose this weight. I've been tossing around ideas in my head all day but I just don't know which one I should do, I need something that I can stick to for the most part so that I don't end up on a junk food binge.

I was thinking about fasting but I know that won't last, and as soon as I start eating I'll put the weight on. I will probably fast just before my birthday though but until then I'm thinking something along the lines of a restriction and exercise plan. I was considering eating 500 calories one day and then 1000 the next, then 500, 1000 etc etc. Maybe it would help keep my metabolism on it's toes? I'd be exercising as well. I could try it this week and see if it works and then if it doesn't try something else. I am so goddamn indecisive with everything in my life and it's fucking annoying!

When I got to my lowest weight last time it was mainly because I was really sick. But then I enjoyed it so much that I had to find a way to maintain it. I used to have a coffee for breakfast, apple for a snack, plain salad with a diet v or red bull for lunch, and vegetables for dinner. If I got hungry I'd eat sugar free jelly. I'd go to the gym and workout doing cardio as well. I was so motivated and dedicated. Maybe I should just start following that plan again, after all it did work the first time around. Oh how I miss being 50kg...

I'm going to ponder ideas about a plan and post when I decide. No idea what the scale will say tomorrow, I can only hope I'm down.

Stay strong,
xx




Sunday, October 3, 2010

I have to do this.








I'm so angry with myself!! FUCK! I was good ALL day, and then I was so hungry that I ate some chips just before.... FAILURE. It was like I had no control at all while it was happening even though I did. I can't let this happen again :( I gave in to the stupid hunger. Now I'm dreading getting on the scale tomorrow morning even more than I was before.

Tomorrow is going to be a different story. I've decided to start running again. I need to be burning calories everyday because at the moment I'm not really doing any physical activity whatsoever and it's disgusting. Looking in the mirror seems to get more and more depressing each day so I have to start being harder on myself. I used to run all the time but now I'm so unfit. I'm ready to get back into it though; I have no other choice. I must take control of food and my weight, and running is definitely going to help with that.

I have a few events coming up in the next few months which I need to look good for, but the most important one (which I REALLY need to lose weight for) is my 21st birthday which is in about 7 weeks. I need to lose 8kg in 7 weeks. I know it's possible if I work hard enough, I really really really do not want to fail. At the moment I feel repulsed when I look at photos of myself and I definitely don't want that for my 21st. I want to buy a nice dress and for it to actually look ok on me. I cannot fail.

So as for eating...

- I will fill up on fruit, vegetables and healthy salads
- I will drink 2 litres of water everyday and fill up on low calorie liquids
- I will eat small portions of low-fat protein
- I will not eat bread, pasta, desserts or any heavy carbs
- I will not eat fast food
- I will limit my alcohol consumption considerably (I drink a lot unfortunately, it's my escape)

And I will run and run and run and run.

I will probably also do some circuit training (sit-ups, push-ups, squats, lunges etc etc).

I have to get fit and I have to get thin. At least I still have some time but soon it will be too late so I have to take action now. I really want this.

Of course I'll be updating on the progress as much as I can! First I have to get my essay written; story of my life, there's always something to be done. I'm so sorry that I haven't been commenting on your blogs much, I barely have time to update mine atm because I'm so busy with uni full time and 2 jobs but I promise I'll make a proper effort over the next few weeks.

I HAVE TO DO THIS.
I WANT THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.
I AM DETERMINED.
I WILL BE THIN.

Stay strong,
xx

I need to start exercising....

I've done well this week overall; except for last night. I'm so annoyed with myself. I was at work all day and managed to have only about 400-500 calories for the whole day and successfully skipped dinner. Then I decided to have a few drinks... which lead to 2 pieces of toast with cheese. Grrrr. Admittedly it could have been a lot worse. I was at a friends house for drinks and I managed to turn down pizza and garlic bread, and on the way home I said no to McDonald's as well, but by the end of the night I was so hungry and tired that I caved and ate some toast. Surprise, surprise I'm up on the scale this morning. Not happy at all.

I'm finding that staying under 1000 calories has been no trouble this past week, in fact I think I've been staying under about 700-800 calories most days. The problem is that it only seems to take one bad food decision (and not too many extra calories) to set me back significantly. I'm starting to think that I need to start exercising as well to keep my weight down, I figured that because my calorie intake has been relatively low I could get away with not exercising but clearly not. Also I should avoid drinking because that's what led to the toast. If only I didn't love drinking so much..... but it's a sacrifice that will pay off in the end (I hope).

I have to write an essay today unfortunately so when I have more time I'm going to start planning out my week regarding food and exercise, I need to lose what I've gained and then some. Hope you girls are having a better weekend than me!

Stay strong!
xx

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Staying strong

So far it's been another good day. This week is going much better than last week, even despite the fact that I got a bad result in my statistics exam and I was up slightly on the scale this morning. Yesterday I was 58kg and today I'm 58.2kg, which is very disappointing as I stayed well under 1000 calories yesterday... but I keep trying to remember that slight fluctuations in weight are to be expected. It's day 4 of getting back on track and I haven't given in to junkfood or binged at all, whoo!

Today:
Breakfast
- Omelette (200 cal)

Lunch
- Grapes (20 cal)
- Moroccan veggie pattie with light sour cream (190 cal)

= 410 calories

I'm working tonight so if I get hungry I'll just have an Atkins bar for dinner, and maybe a fresh fruit and vegetable juice if I feel like it. I drink 2 litres of water a day everyday (regardless of whether I'm restricting or not) so that's never been a problem for me luckily.

Another reason why I'm in such a good mood is because I've found some post-graduate courses that I'm really interested in doing after I finish my Psychology degree next year. I've been feeling fairly depressed about uni lately and haven't been motivated to do anything but now I feel like I have a bit more direction. I still have lots of research I need to do about these courses though, thankfully I still have a year to decide. Deciding what to do with your life was never meant to be easy!

Because I'm still adjusting to eating less calories I'm trying to focus on the little things such as:
- Eating slowly
- Drinking lots of water before eating and while eating
- Chewing gum
- Drinking coffee as soon as I wake up to postpone my urge to eat (it's a bad habit I have, I always used to wake up and instantly want to eat carbs... BAD)
- Filling up on protein as opposed to carbs (I'm a vegetarian so sometimes this can be a struggle)
- Planning out small, healthy portions of food so that I don't overeat, don't make unhealthy choices and don't go over my calorie limit

These things are helping me a lot, so that's my focus for the next week or so!

I keep saying to myself "eat to live, don't live to eat". It seems to help. I feel like I used to live to eat, mainly because my family and boyfriend are all so food oriented. Man it's annoying! Anyone else find that everyone around them is like that? And why is it that so many social situations revolve around consuming calories? It's an obstacle, but I'm up for the challenge!

Hope you're all having a successful day,
Stay strong!




Wednesday, September 29, 2010

For the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually do this.....

Well I'm feeling good. I hope this continues! My motivation seems to be kicking in quite nicely which is perfect timing. Today was not a struggle in the slightest. Definitely stayed under my 1000 calorie maximum limit, and I didn't struggle with any negative side effects from eating significantly less food than what my body has been used to of late. Brilliant! It's only early days and I recognize that I have a long way to go still, but I figure that a little positivity never hurt anyone.

So I guess I should fill you in a bit on my current life situation. I study Psychology and I work 2 part-time jobs, which keeps me busy. My work hours are all over the place but I usually work shifts that are at dinner time which means it's going to be extremely easy for me to avoid excess calories that I normally would be forced to eat by my mother. I still live at home, but both my parents and older sister work full-time so I have a lot of spare time to myself during the day when I don't have class. I'm very fortunate to have a fantastic boyfriend who means the world to me, he's extremely supportive and understanding of my craziness (thankfully)! He seems to find my body much more appealing that I ever have, and he would hate it if I were super skinny. He supports me going on a 'diet' though which is great for me, but obviously I keep the explicit details to myself; and this blog of course. He would be worried if I lost a lot of weight though, because the last time I did was before we were going out and I was quite depressed at the time. So I'm trying to be as realistic as I can about my weight loss BUT at the end of the day it's my body and it's my choice; it's just something I have to do. I've tried to accept myself how I am but I refuse to, I cannot. Instead when I look in the mirror I feel fat, disgusted and depressed... constantly. So I have no choice but to do this. I know I will feel so much better when I get closer to my goal.

Today I went to the supermarket and bought a few Atkins diet bars, I had one for dinner and it was really tasty, so I think I'll be buying some more of those. They also had a diet shake thing which is in powder form, wasn't sure if it'd be any good... has anyone tried it? I'm not super keen on going on a specific type of diet though, I like to make it up as I go along. Other things I need to get are: apples, diet iced tea, and sugar free red bull.

Plan for tomorrow? I'm meant to be studying all day and then working at night, although I've had zero motivation to do any uni work of late. I'm trying to eat relatively low-carb as well as low-calorie, so I'll probably have an omelette, Atkins bar, fruit/vegetables, and a salad for the day. I'll be sure to update on here of course! My aim is to post at least once a day, however I know that will be impossible on some days but I'll do my best. Blogging is therapeutic for me :)

Stay strong! xx

It's been a while.....

I haven't been on my blog for almost 8 months but I'm at a stage in my life where I feel I need to reconnect with this world again. I've struggled with my weight a lot this year. I've been in denial about binges and have been using food as a drug to comfort my feelings of depression; something which I NEVER used to do. I used to not eat as a coping mechanism. I have no idea what prompted this change in behaviour, however my self esteem is at an all time low and in the past few weeks I've been filled with an overwhelming desire to get back to my old self and start losing weight again. I've never had an eating disorder but rather an 'unhealthy' relationship with food, characterised by recurrent weight gain and weight loss, restricting and binging cycles, and depression and anxiety regarding eating, body image, self-esteem etc.

I'm ashamed of the overeating I've done during the past 8 months. I let it become it acceptable to eat copious amounts of junkfood, something which never used to be an option for me. It's frustrating and confusing. I know I don't have anyone to blame but myself, however I've been using so many excuses to justify my eating behaviours. Admittedly my boyfriend, family and a fair few of my friends like to eat fattening food quite regularly, which means I'm constantly surrounded by temptation. I guess I felt powerless against it, and constantly gave in.

Then I hit a wall, about 2 weeks ago now.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years, and I love him so much. The problem is that I get so jealous about the smallest things. He has become friends with a girl that I don't know and she started sending him private messages on facebook. I was so anxious and upset that I ended up having a panic attack over it. Anyway long story short, it made me realise that there are so many things in life that you cannot control despite how much you wish you could. But there's always one thing you can control, yourself. I realised that I'm sick to death of feeling out of control of everything in my life. It makes me depressed and constantly anxious. I know that I can't control most things BUT if I can regain control over my eating and weight it will have a huge and amazing impact on my life. I dream constantly about being thin but never think I can make it happen, so my current mission is to change my thought patterns to enable myself to obtain my goals once and for all.

It's been a few days since I started restricting what I eat and so far I've had no problems at all. I'm starting off slowly so that I don't give up again. For the time being I'm aiming to eat no more than 1000 calories a day, which I've had no trouble with. So once I prove to myself that I can stick to that I will step it up a notch and so on and so forth, until I've lost the unwanted weight that I'm carrying around. I'm 58kg at the moment which is 1.4kg less than I was a few days ago so it's a good start. THE SCALE MUST KEEP GOING DOWN.....