Thursday, September 30, 2010

Staying strong

So far it's been another good day. This week is going much better than last week, even despite the fact that I got a bad result in my statistics exam and I was up slightly on the scale this morning. Yesterday I was 58kg and today I'm 58.2kg, which is very disappointing as I stayed well under 1000 calories yesterday... but I keep trying to remember that slight fluctuations in weight are to be expected. It's day 4 of getting back on track and I haven't given in to junkfood or binged at all, whoo!

- Omelette (200 cal)

- Grapes (20 cal)
- Moroccan veggie pattie with light sour cream (190 cal)

= 410 calories

I'm working tonight so if I get hungry I'll just have an Atkins bar for dinner, and maybe a fresh fruit and vegetable juice if I feel like it. I drink 2 litres of water a day everyday (regardless of whether I'm restricting or not) so that's never been a problem for me luckily.

Another reason why I'm in such a good mood is because I've found some post-graduate courses that I'm really interested in doing after I finish my Psychology degree next year. I've been feeling fairly depressed about uni lately and haven't been motivated to do anything but now I feel like I have a bit more direction. I still have lots of research I need to do about these courses though, thankfully I still have a year to decide. Deciding what to do with your life was never meant to be easy!

Because I'm still adjusting to eating less calories I'm trying to focus on the little things such as:
- Eating slowly
- Drinking lots of water before eating and while eating
- Chewing gum
- Drinking coffee as soon as I wake up to postpone my urge to eat (it's a bad habit I have, I always used to wake up and instantly want to eat carbs... BAD)
- Filling up on protein as opposed to carbs (I'm a vegetarian so sometimes this can be a struggle)
- Planning out small, healthy portions of food so that I don't overeat, don't make unhealthy choices and don't go over my calorie limit

These things are helping me a lot, so that's my focus for the next week or so!

I keep saying to myself "eat to live, don't live to eat". It seems to help. I feel like I used to live to eat, mainly because my family and boyfriend are all so food oriented. Man it's annoying! Anyone else find that everyone around them is like that? And why is it that so many social situations revolve around consuming calories? It's an obstacle, but I'm up for the challenge!

Hope you're all having a successful day,
Stay strong!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

For the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually do this.....

Well I'm feeling good. I hope this continues! My motivation seems to be kicking in quite nicely which is perfect timing. Today was not a struggle in the slightest. Definitely stayed under my 1000 calorie maximum limit, and I didn't struggle with any negative side effects from eating significantly less food than what my body has been used to of late. Brilliant! It's only early days and I recognize that I have a long way to go still, but I figure that a little positivity never hurt anyone.

So I guess I should fill you in a bit on my current life situation. I study Psychology and I work 2 part-time jobs, which keeps me busy. My work hours are all over the place but I usually work shifts that are at dinner time which means it's going to be extremely easy for me to avoid excess calories that I normally would be forced to eat by my mother. I still live at home, but both my parents and older sister work full-time so I have a lot of spare time to myself during the day when I don't have class. I'm very fortunate to have a fantastic boyfriend who means the world to me, he's extremely supportive and understanding of my craziness (thankfully)! He seems to find my body much more appealing that I ever have, and he would hate it if I were super skinny. He supports me going on a 'diet' though which is great for me, but obviously I keep the explicit details to myself; and this blog of course. He would be worried if I lost a lot of weight though, because the last time I did was before we were going out and I was quite depressed at the time. So I'm trying to be as realistic as I can about my weight loss BUT at the end of the day it's my body and it's my choice; it's just something I have to do. I've tried to accept myself how I am but I refuse to, I cannot. Instead when I look in the mirror I feel fat, disgusted and depressed... constantly. So I have no choice but to do this. I know I will feel so much better when I get closer to my goal.

Today I went to the supermarket and bought a few Atkins diet bars, I had one for dinner and it was really tasty, so I think I'll be buying some more of those. They also had a diet shake thing which is in powder form, wasn't sure if it'd be any good... has anyone tried it? I'm not super keen on going on a specific type of diet though, I like to make it up as I go along. Other things I need to get are: apples, diet iced tea, and sugar free red bull.

Plan for tomorrow? I'm meant to be studying all day and then working at night, although I've had zero motivation to do any uni work of late. I'm trying to eat relatively low-carb as well as low-calorie, so I'll probably have an omelette, Atkins bar, fruit/vegetables, and a salad for the day. I'll be sure to update on here of course! My aim is to post at least once a day, however I know that will be impossible on some days but I'll do my best. Blogging is therapeutic for me :)

Stay strong! xx

It's been a while.....

I haven't been on my blog for almost 8 months but I'm at a stage in my life where I feel I need to reconnect with this world again. I've struggled with my weight a lot this year. I've been in denial about binges and have been using food as a drug to comfort my feelings of depression; something which I NEVER used to do. I used to not eat as a coping mechanism. I have no idea what prompted this change in behaviour, however my self esteem is at an all time low and in the past few weeks I've been filled with an overwhelming desire to get back to my old self and start losing weight again. I've never had an eating disorder but rather an 'unhealthy' relationship with food, characterised by recurrent weight gain and weight loss, restricting and binging cycles, and depression and anxiety regarding eating, body image, self-esteem etc.

I'm ashamed of the overeating I've done during the past 8 months. I let it become it acceptable to eat copious amounts of junkfood, something which never used to be an option for me. It's frustrating and confusing. I know I don't have anyone to blame but myself, however I've been using so many excuses to justify my eating behaviours. Admittedly my boyfriend, family and a fair few of my friends like to eat fattening food quite regularly, which means I'm constantly surrounded by temptation. I guess I felt powerless against it, and constantly gave in.

Then I hit a wall, about 2 weeks ago now.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years, and I love him so much. The problem is that I get so jealous about the smallest things. He has become friends with a girl that I don't know and she started sending him private messages on facebook. I was so anxious and upset that I ended up having a panic attack over it. Anyway long story short, it made me realise that there are so many things in life that you cannot control despite how much you wish you could. But there's always one thing you can control, yourself. I realised that I'm sick to death of feeling out of control of everything in my life. It makes me depressed and constantly anxious. I know that I can't control most things BUT if I can regain control over my eating and weight it will have a huge and amazing impact on my life. I dream constantly about being thin but never think I can make it happen, so my current mission is to change my thought patterns to enable myself to obtain my goals once and for all.

It's been a few days since I started restricting what I eat and so far I've had no problems at all. I'm starting off slowly so that I don't give up again. For the time being I'm aiming to eat no more than 1000 calories a day, which I've had no trouble with. So once I prove to myself that I can stick to that I will step it up a notch and so on and so forth, until I've lost the unwanted weight that I'm carrying around. I'm 58kg at the moment which is 1.4kg less than I was a few days ago so it's a good start. THE SCALE MUST KEEP GOING DOWN.....