I haven't been on my blog for almost 8 months but I'm at a stage in my life where I feel I need to reconnect with this world again. I've struggled with my weight a lot this year. I've been in denial about binges and have been using food as a drug to comfort my feelings of depression; something which I NEVER used to do. I used to not eat as a coping mechanism. I have no idea what prompted this change in behaviour, however my self esteem is at an all time low and in the past few weeks I've been filled with an overwhelming desire to get back to my old self and start losing weight again. I've never had an eating disorder but rather an 'unhealthy' relationship with food, characterised by recurrent weight gain and weight loss, restricting and binging cycles, and depression and anxiety regarding eating, body image, self-esteem etc.
I'm ashamed of the overeating I've done during the past 8 months. I let it become it acceptable to eat copious amounts of junkfood, something which never used to be an option for me. It's frustrating and confusing. I know I don't have anyone to blame but myself, however I've been using so many excuses to justify my eating behaviours. Admittedly my boyfriend, family and a fair few of my friends like to eat fattening food quite regularly, which means I'm constantly surrounded by temptation. I guess I felt powerless against it, and constantly gave in.
Then I hit a wall, about 2 weeks ago now.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years, and I love him so much. The problem is that I get so jealous about the smallest things. He has become friends with a girl that I don't know and she started sending him private messages on facebook. I was so anxious and upset that I ended up having a panic attack over it. Anyway long story short, it made me realise that there are so many things in life that you cannot control despite how much you wish you could. But there's always one thing you can control, yourself. I realised that I'm sick to death of feeling out of control of everything in my life. It makes me depressed and constantly anxious. I know that I can't control most things BUT if I can regain control over my eating and weight it will have a huge and amazing impact on my life. I dream constantly about being thin but never think I can make it happen, so my current mission is to change my thought patterns to enable myself to obtain my goals once and for all.
It's been a few days since I started restricting what I eat and so far I've had no problems at all. I'm starting off slowly so that I don't give up again. For the time being I'm aiming to eat no more than 1000 calories a day, which I've had no trouble with. So once I prove to myself that I can stick to that I will step it up a notch and so on and so forth, until I've lost the unwanted weight that I'm carrying around. I'm 58kg at the moment which is 1.4kg less than I was a few days ago so it's a good start. THE SCALE MUST KEEP GOING DOWN.....